I am only a trustee not the OWNER

That line sends me shivers.

God is the OWNER of my life. More often than not, I run my life the way I want to and when things screws up....God is to be blamed. Now how is that fair?

I am currently doing discipleship program for 6 weeks, I have another 4 weeks to go. It was difficult to read the materials and we need to answer challenging questions in our group. I feel so challenged and pushed. I know the time is NOW, I've been playing hide and seek with God for a while......i hate the feeling of having my guts twisted but I also sense an unexplainable sort of joy going thru this. Crazy huh? I cant understand why im experiencing joy.

Whats strange is, the things we're learning now is not very new.......we've been listening to talks that tells us "you cant conform to the world's standards", "you will be faced with trials of many kinds", "pick up your cross(suffering) and follow me". These are not new things, it is in my subconcious....but why is it hitting me only now? Its like a long delay in response....in computer terms "hang time".

The only reason I can think about is D E N I A L. I'm

in Denial to what the bible teaches.

in Denial to apply it in my own life.

in Denial by saying "I cant do this".

in Denial to knowing I'm sinking deeper and deeper into quicksand.

in Denial to say I'm suffering a slow spiritual death...

in Denial to surrender my weekness and let God take control.

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He has sent me a "partner"...and brainy me just forgot about the Holy Spirit. He is there all the time...

Well I pray that by knowing so much truth I will move forward a thousand steps, if I fall, pick me up and kick me to continue.

Honestly after hearing other people share, I find that a lot of people are afraid, afraid to take up the call...i seriously thought I was one of the weirder ones. A relief? Well yes and no. Happy coz I have a boat full of people like me and sad becoz, God has been turned down by soooo many people. It must be hurtful huh? Humans.....very selfish nature, always thinking about "I', "Me", "myself". Not forgetting ungrateful too.

Sigh!

I've got a lot to do.....